Mediocrity

(The choice of a new generation?)

Paraphilia

“What’s your fetish?”

So here I am sitting around at 3am wearing my leather dog collar and wishing that my mistress was here to command me, when I started thinking about all the strange fetishes that exist in the world. Basically if someone in the world likes something that they think nobody else in the world is into, there’s probably a million member club based somewhere out of California devoted to that very thing. The technical term for a fetish is a Paraphilia. (Paraphilia = a scenario whose real or fantasized presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification.) Basically you can’t get off without some sort of props. I’ve discovered through my research that I possess a rather large array of Paraphilia. So I thought I would share mine with you, and then give you a list of some of the medically recognized fetishes that go on out there. My kinks pretty much go like this” I’m a Cunnilingusist, gymnophiliac, acomoclictic, oculophiliac, subservient, dominating, voyeur! Say that three times fast!

It's not unusual for someone to have a fetish that they have to go out of their way to accommodate. But there are some fetishes out there that are so extreme; they are completely illegal and sometimes life threatening. I've taken the liberty of listing all the fetishes I could officially find. Enjoy!

Acomoclictic — Shaved genitals are a turn-on.
Agoraphilia — Doing it in public is a must.
Alphmegamia — The desire to have sex with older men. (I hope I can meet one of these in a few more years)
Altocalciphilia —High heels turn you on.
Antholagnia — The smell of flowers makes you want to be pollinated.
Asthenolagnia — You like your partner to be a wish washy, whinny, pussy boy?
Cunnilalia —Just talking about pussy gives you a woody!
Cunnilingus — A professional muff diver.
Doraphilia —The feeling of fur or skin is sensual and erotic.
Graophilia — you’re into Grannies. YUCK!
Gymnophilia —Turned on by nudity. Like someone out there isn’t?
Gynonudomania — The desire to rip off your partners clothes before you do the nasty!
Macrogenitalism — Aroused by large genitals. Like I’ve ever heard a woman say, “I wish that thing was smaller.”
Medolalia — Talking about phallus makes you sticky.
Miscegenation — Interracial sexual relations. “That’s jungle love! hey oh ey oh ey oh!”
Phallophilia — This person only want unusually shaped Penis’s? Why do they call you “the hook” Billy?
Pubephilia — This one wants his partners snatch to look like a giant beaver pelt.
Tripsolagnia — This one gets off while having their hair shampooed.
Tripsophilia — Sensual message is the only way to fulfillment. Can you say happy ending?
Sachremastistophilia —This person gets off on the idea of being robbed. I can help with this one.
Coulrophilia — This one wants to get it on with a clown. A clown is in his tent getting a blowjob from another clown when all of a sudden he looks down and says “hey, does that taste funny to you?”
Electrophilia — They like to be electrically shocked to get off. “high voltage, done dirt cheap!”
Eproctophilia — This person gets off whenever someone farts on them. Granted I laugh my ass off whenever somebody blasts ass in my immediate vicinity, but I have never busted a nut over it.
Fisting —This person is aroused by having either a hand fist or forearm jammed into their anus or vagina. Why is the fetish that involves getting a fist in your ass the first one on the list that I can pronounce?
Gerontophilia — You really get turned on by the elderly. I guess you should look for a nursing home job huh?
Gynemimetophilia — You get turned on by transvestites and cross dressers.
Hebephilia — Turned on by teenagers. Duh?
Hierophilia —This person gets off on sacred objects such as crosses. I bet you this website is big with the nuns.
Iatronudia — This person loves to expose themselves to their physician.
Kleptophilia — This person gets hot and bothered when they steal something. They need to get together with the sachremastistophilians. It’s a win win situation!
Lactaphilia — Lactating breasts are this ones fantasy. He likes his milk straight from the cow!
Maieusiophilia — He wants them pregnant before he gets started. Brings the term MILF into a new light.
Martymachlia —Aroused by having others watch during sex. Get these people hooked up with a voyeur, ASAP!
Nasophilia —This person is turned on by touching his or her partners nose.
Nymphomania/Satyriasis — The uncontrollable urge to have sex constantly.
Ochlophilia — being in a crowd turns you on. I see allot of these people at the mall on Sunday.
Oculophilia — Nothing is more sensual than a beautiful set of crystal blue eyes. The blue thing is actually my fetish. This one is just about eyes in general.
Oculolinctus —Aroused by licking their partner's eyeball. I don't think I need to add anything to this one.
Odaxelagnia — When they say, “bite me,” they really mean it.
Ozolagnia — Pungent smells turn this one on. You should be a nurse.
Parthenophilia —These people have a desire to deflower virgins. To much work for me.
Phygephilia —Turned on by being a fugitive.
Podophilia — Foot fetish. SUPER FUNKY YUCK! If there’s an opposite of this one I have it.
Retifism —Turned on by shoes. Whatever.
Spectrophilia — These people like to have sex with ghosts, and images in mirrors. Ok let’s just move, on nothing to see here.
Thesauromania — Panty thieves.
Thlipsosis — Turned on by Pinching. OUCH!
Transvestitism — Loves to cross dress. “Do you have 7” pumps in a size 15 EEE?”
Voyeurism — We, I mean they like to watch.
Rape – Explanation unnecessary.
Necrophilia – Sex with dead bodies. The national Necrophilia associations add campaign. “Just lean back and crack open a cold one.”
Spanking- Need I say more, make my booty glow!
Sadism – The desire to give pain along with sex.
Masochism- The desire to receive pain along with sex.
Humiliation- “Make me feel like a worthless shit eating maggot, it makes me happy!”
Cannibalism- Eating human body parts, this one makes it kind of hard to stay monogamous.
Dominance- The desire to dominate you partner during sex, to have complete control of the situation. It can be awesome to have a feeling of power over your partner. Or so I’ve been told.
Subordinate – The partner of the dominate. They want to be dominated, to give up control and to feel the release of any responsibility for their actions. I’m really starting to like this one more & more!

Well I hope you had fun with this one, ADIOS!
 

PAIN

(Those who know what it is, and those that should shut the fuck up!)

Pain comes in allot of different types and flavors, but the one I want to concentrate on is good old-fashioned physical pain. Just to give you a feel for what I’m talking about, this is a quick list of injuries that I have suffered over the years. Two broken ankles, one broken arm, three broken ribs, multiple broken fingers and toes multiple times. Dislocated jaw, a fractured skull and a fractured orbital bone. I’ve broken my nose so many times I had to have the cartilage removed. My nose is now literally a mound of silly putty. (Awesome at parties!) Torn tendons and ligaments in wrist, elbow, both knees and one ankle. Bulging cervical disk, two rotator cuff tears, torn calf muscle, torn rib cartilage, a torn muscle behind my eye, and a torn groin muscle. (This one still sucks 16 years later!) Patella, meniscus, and cartilage damage in both knees. I have nerve damage in so many places I’m not going to bother listing them. There’s probably some stuff I have missed, but I can’t always remember it all until it hurts again. (I received all of these injuries playing sports, being a bouncer, or just being a drunken twenty something year old moron! Thought you would like to know)

Thanks to all of these little problems, I now suffer from arthritis, tendonitis, and migraines that make me want to either throw up or black out depending on how long I can stand the pain. The longest I can ever sleep without waking up is about two hours. I have to switch sides every hour or so because I can’t stand to lie on either shoulder for too long, plus sleeping on my back hurts my neck, which in turn triggers my migraines. It takes me about 5 minutes to remember how to walk each day when I get out of bed, and I often crash into the wall when I initially stand up. I have learned to aim for the space between the two bedroom windows so that I don’t end up lying naked in my front yard wearing nothing but a curtain and some broken glass. When it rains or gets cold enough and I have to do something even moderately physical, I feel like I’m actually going die. I don’t mean that metaphorically either. I mean just fucking roll over, cry for a little while, and then die. The bad news is, I wake up every single day of my life in excruciating pain. The good news is I always will. (Huh? Where the fuck was the good news?)

Aside from the fact that almost all normal ever day activities have become a major pain in the ass, let’s talk about sex? This has become really interesting as my body continues to fall apart right before my eyes. Unless you have some sort of crazy dominatrix type that wants to be on top constantly you’re going have some issues. Just imagine your getting the job done doggie style when all of a sudden your hamstring and calf cramp up so bad that you have to do an emergency bail out right of the side of the bed into whatever is waiting for you on the floor below! You know there’s a fair chance that the impact alone is going to kill you, but it’s better than feeling your leg snap in half while you’re trying to get a little ass. (I have confirmed that this particular situation has happened to four other men beside myself, now you know why ladies.) This is particularly entertaining if you’re in a hotel, and the side of the bed you bail on is the little crevice next to the wall. Now it’s going to require a rescue crew to drag your naked crippled ass out of the hole! Or perhaps you’re trying to hit it missionary position, you figure it’s bland and safe, what can go wrong? When all of a sudden it feels like your thighbone is gonna rip right out of your pelvis! (Revenge of the groin tear!) You have to straighten out your body immediately or die, and thus mash your face into either your lover or the headboard. (This circumstance depends on the height and position of said lover, and also explains one of times I broke my nose.) Last but not least is oral sex, since actual intercourse is no longer a safe bet you gotta impress her some how. So you’re down there giving her all you got, tongues cramping up, lock jaw is setting in, and all of a sudden you pinch that bad disc in your neck. The next thing you know your unconscious and suffocating ears deep in the old fuzzy wuzzy! (Hopefully your partner gets concerned about the lack of movement and saves your pathetic life. If she hasn’t realized that you stopped, you deserve to die anyway. While I’ve never heard of a confirmed muff diving fatality, I have no problem in believing it’s possible.)

I have a handful of friends and family members that suffer from extensive injuries and conditions that leave them in excruciating pain every moment of every day just like myself. These are the only people that can actually talk to each other, and know that the other person understands the subject matter. These sorry specimens that I’m talking about suffer and deal with everything from spinal cord stenosis, macular degeneration (Puckered eyeball, yuck! and degenerating disc disease, to ruptured Achilles tendons, blown out knees, multiple surgical procedures, stab wounds (another story for another time) Osteoarthritis and Fibromyalgia. If you don’t know what Fibromyalgia is, here are some of the highlights. Constant muscle, joint, ligament, and tendon pain, most often concentrated in the knees, elbows, hips and neck. The condition includes continuous fatigue, sleeplessness, and hypersensitivity to pain. In short you feel like somebody is beating the shit out of you all the time, it hurts even more than it normally would, and you can’t sleep or get any relief. To top it off most of the world thinks your faking it or that it’s all in your head! (If that doesn’t make you wanna purchase an automatic weapon and look for a tall building, I don’t know what does.) All the above mentioned people wake up everyday shake off whatever is killing them at that moment and live an almost ordinary life.

Back to the point of this story, you’re walking down the hallway and a coworker spots you coming at them. They have the courtesy to stop you and very caringly say “You look like shit! Are you ok?” So you attempt to be kind, and politely tell them that you have some issues, and you just aren’t feeling to well at this moment. This is where the problems start. Typically one of two things is going to happen. The person is either going to blow off your problem as you being a whinny bitch, or they are going to tell you how to fix the problem that they have never had to deal with. You politely nod and agree with whatever moronic dribble is coming out of their pie hole, and then you move on down the road. You can usually ignore this from a person that doesn’t know you or your medical history very well. However, people that are fully aware of your situation and constantly seem to forget about it should be beaten on a regular basis with something blunt, like a seal club. We are forced to deal with our issues everyday of our lives. Most of us (the tough ones at least) try not to make a big deal of it, and try not to draw to much attention to it. Others whine constantly and try to draw attention and sympathy to themselves, I think they should just be put out of their misery, but that’s beside the point. My question is this, why can’t the people we know and work with everyday remember to cut us some fucking slack without making a big deal of it. Here are some simple guidelines for those of you that know pathetic bastards like us, but just don’t know how to act when we are around

Unless you are fully willing to receive a very in depth and pissed off explanation of what’s wrong with us, don’t ask! You should know we are all fucked up by now, and leave us alone unless we request some sort of fucking assistance!

We never ever want to hear what’s wrong with you, unless it’s something really bad. If you had a stray antelope gore your ass while you where on a nature walk, I want to hear about it. Minor aches and pains from “sleeping crooked” don’t fucking count!

Unless you’ve slept for less than four hours everyday for the last five consecutive years, we don’t care how tired you are! We never fucking sleep, quite being a pussy and man up! Just because you can’t see and you’re hallucinating doesn’t mean you can’t do your job!

If we are a little slow taking a shower, getting dressed, coming up the stairs or climbing out of the fucking car. DO NOT let us see you make that little disgusted face that is usually followed by the big sigh. If you really want to start a full out war right in the middle of the Denny’s parking lot, just make the face that says, “I wish he would just hurry up.” I will have no problem dragging my crippled ass back into the vehicle and leaving you right where you fucking stand! Assuming you can get out of the way of the speeding car.

I guess that’s about it. To those of you that know me, this is why I’m so fucking moody all the time. So the next time you see me walking down the hallway pale and sweating like I’m going to die, just ignore me. If you happen to find my body later on and I’m starting to smell, just burn the corpse!

Until next time thanks for listening to me bitch. Adios!

“My fat ass!”

Let me start off by saying thank you to the people that asked me to come back and write something new. I’m afraid my creative side had slipped into a serious rut for a while there. But now I’m back. I’m feeling rejuvenated and I’m once again ready to attack some of the most pressing topics of our time.

Today’s topic is my fat ass! Yes I said “MY FAT ASS” I would have titled it “Your fat ass” but then I would have received hundred of scathing e-mails telling me that I’m insensitive to the plight of the morbidly obese. (Bunch of whinny fat fuckers) I’ll start off by saying that my ass is nowhere near its peak capacity. I know what fat people really look like. I work in a hospital where they do bariatric surgery (stomach stapling). If you think your fat you ought to see these land whales, they make me feel almost slender at times. Anyway, I’m still a hell of allot smaller than I once was, but I’m also way too damn big to be happy with it. I’m so incredibly out of shape, that if the building caught on fire I’d probably just lay down and burn so as not to embarrass myself trying to go down the stairs. “WHEEEEEZ!----- WHEEEEEZ!”  “SNAP! POP! CRACK!” “Hey what’s that noise?” “That’s my knee cap disintegrating!”

So as most Americans do when they realize that they are no longer capable of doing the things they once enjoyed. (Like bending over and breathing at the same time, tying their own shoes, or looking at your package without the use of a mirror) I decided to take matters into my own hands. I went on a diet! I’m proud to say that it lasted just about three whole days. (My longest run ever) I can’t say as this surprised me, the only thing I love more than food is sex, and since fat ass and stud aren’t exactly synonymous, you get the idea. Giving up food for such a petty reason as maintaining my health and prolonging my life seemed totally ridiculous!

Next came the Atkins diet. Now for those of you that have been living in a cave, the Atkins diet is an “All meat all the time” diet. It’s by far the easiest diet in the world to talk your self into. No starving yourself, no endless array of salads and lean cuisines. You can eat steak, and eggs, and cheese and butter, and a million other high fat items that you would never be able to eat on a real diet. So I go out and shop for my new diet. Let’s see, eggs, roast, bacon, kielbasa, chicken, cheese, real butter, pepperoni, summer sausage, pork chops, tuna, mayo, and a few token veggies. My shopping cart looked like I was on my way to the zoo to feed the tigers. This is a diet huh? Ok, what the hell. If it works it works right. So I begin, for breakfast I’ll have a cheese and bacon omelets, for a snack I’ll have some summer sausage, and for dinner, I’ll have the steak, with some portabella mushrooms sautéed in real butter, delicious! Tomorrow night I’ll have the pork chops with a little summer squash also sautéed in real butter. For a snack I’ll have some pepperoni and cheese wedges. Now this is a great diet! But then it’s breakfast again. I guess I’ll have some eggs. For lunch I can make tuna, but I can’t eat it on bread. I have the munchies, summer sausage again huh. Breakfast, I could go for some cereal. Sorry chubby, no milk for you. “Hey we’re having pizza tonight want some?” “Oh no, I’ll pass, I’m having another bushel of meat.” Meat, followed by meat, followed by meat! After a week I began to cheat. I started to eat more squash than I was allowed, and then it was green beans, brussel sprouts & broccoli. I found myself trying to score produce in the wee hours of the morning, like some sort of scurvy ridden junkie! Here I am standing in the WalMart at 4am getting blasted by the indoor sprinklers, thinking it was totally normal to get soaking wet while you pick out only the finest fresh veggies. I was sneaking vegetables? What the hell was wrong with me? If I had such a taste for vegetables why was I so goddamn fat in the first place? That’s simple. Because the Atkins diet is evil! It is some sort of diabolical mind trick that forces you to commit suicide by beefing yourself to death! Dr. Atkins was obviously some sort crazed mad man hell bent on world domination by way of meat! Oh yea, did I mention the grease? I started to feel like I could wring out my boxers and use the drippings for beef gravy! My forehead had a sheen on it that could blind a normal human. Oh and the smell, let me tell you something, when you consume nothing but meat, bad things happen to your insides. Your stomach doesn’t know what to do with all this beef. And pretty soon you develop a nice big meat plug! You heard me, a meat plug! Now that your bowels are completely bogged down with rotten meat, the smell emanating from your ass is enough to drop a heard of musk ox at fifty paces. If you are trying to diet to gain the attention of the opposite sex, I do not recommend the “How greasy and stinky can I get?” diet plan. In closing on the Atkins diet. Dr. Atkins died recently from complications of heart disease. Think about that as you jam down another bun less cheeseburger! Perhaps with his passing his diabolical plan for world domination will go with him. Not if Splenda has anything to say about it!

So now that the diet plan has failed once again, I have only one choice left. Exercise! That’s right, time to burn off some of that fat. I start with the exercise bike. A sure way to health and longevity is cardiovascular fitness. I begin to peddle, wondering why I hadn’t started to do this sooner. “Hell this is easy, I can sit here and do this all day. Whew, it’s getting hot in here. I should go turn the air down. That’s funny my chest is getting sort of tight. Starting…..to.get…..a…little……winded….now. Ju..st..a…litt..le…more. No..pai..n…no..gain…ri..ght?” And then I promptly fall of the bike onto the floor like a dead sperm whale. As I lay there on the floor gasping for life, I take a peek at my trusty stopwatch. “Three minutes, Pretty good for the first day.” My new favorite exercise is crunches. Crunches don’t come with the standard amount of pain you get from doing say sit-ups. Thus you don’t realize how much damage your actually doing to yourself until it’s too late. Crunches have become the staple of my workout plan for two reasons. After I do 50-75 crunches it becomes absolutely impossible to eat. I can’t even make myself think about food for most of the day. And if I talk myself into eating anyway, my stomach cramps up almost instantly and I puke! Puking is a great way to lose unwanted pounds. Secondly, if I can make myself do enough crunches in one sitting, usually 100 or more, I shit myself almost instantly. That’s right, I get a free colonic after every workout! The only thing better than puking up breakfast, is shitting right there on the living room floor, now that will curb your appetite as well as rid your body of nasty toxins! Next came pushups. Actually I’m to fat to do pushups, so I just assume the positions and try to hold my body off the floor until my elbows give out. I sweat, so it must be doing something. Lastly is the weight lifting, you got to keep those arms toned up. Or at least make sure that when you wave to the neighbor your arm fat doesn’t knock over your hanging plants, or blow the cat off the windowsill. Hopefully someday I’ll be able to look in the mirror without being disgusted, but until then I’m just going to keep abusing myself in the name of self-improvement.

In closing, my message is simple. The easiest way to avoid the pain and embarrassment that I’m describing to you now is to not let your self get this fucked up. Keep yourself fit while your still young enough to do it. Don’t wait until it’s too late to go back. Just think, the average adult male gains 10Lbs a year. That means that the 170Lb hunk your dating now, is going to be your 270Lb husband before your first kid gets out of elementary school. Something to keep in mind the next time he pops open a six pack, or throws another frozen pizza in the oven.  Just walk over and smack him in advance for the hell he’s going to put you though later. Good luck with all of your diet and exercise plans, feel free to drop us a line with your funny stories, or suggestions. Adios, and thanks for listening to me bitch!

-email Lord Kray-

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